You’re Officially Old If…

The other day on Twitter, one of the hashtag games was: #YouAreOfficiallyOldIf. For those not familiar with hashtag games, or Twitter, you are officially old! Come on, get with the times!

Some of the tweets to correspond with the respective hashtag were as follow:

Pardon the language, but that’s how Twitter is. The preceding referred to Barney & Friends, a PBS television program that premiered in April 1992.

Here’s another:

LimeWire was a free file-sharing client or computer app that provided free downloads of music files, which was ordered shut down by a U.S. Federal Court judge for copyright infringement. The product premiered in May 2000.

How about the next one?

AOL is an Internet pioneer, and those CDs date back to the late 1990s. I used floppy disks to install the format on my ‘puter in ’95.

One last one:

Play Station launched in December 1994, and those cell phones were a product of the ’90s as well.

I was at the threshold of middle age in the ’90s, which Merriam-Webster defines that milestone as: the period of life from about 45 to 64 . The preceding tweets were made by Millennials, born in the ’80s and ’90s, probably the majority of those with accounts on Twitter. If they expected me to feel old with their offerings, they certainly did, by gosh!

My contribution to that hashtag game was:

Notice the tremendous response I got: one like; and that was from an old friend, Tammy, whom I met back in the late ’70s in East Tennessee. That sure dates us both, doesn’t it? The typical hashtag player most likely can’t relate to wishing they were young again. They are young.

What if that hashtag game was for just us Baby Boomers, born between 1944-64? This could apply also to the Silent Generation who preceded us. The tweets would read as follows.

#YouAreOfficiallyOldIf:

  • You don’t call it, “Getting old.” but refer to it as “Outliving the Warranty.”
  • You bought a new pair of shoes with memory-foam insoles to stop forgetting why you walked into the kitchen.
  • You never appreciate what you’ve got ’til it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
  • You’re amazed at how the brain is the most outstanding organ in the body because it works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from birth until you fall in love.
  • You believe that the best part about getting older is…, “Nothing.” Getting older sucks!
  • You think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition.
  • You remember as a kid when your parents would always say, “Excuse my French,” right after a swear word; and you’ll never forget your first day at school when the teacher asked if anyone knew any French.
  • When you drop something, rather than picking it up, you stare at if for a bit, contemplating if you actually need it anymore.
  • You realize that growing up in the ’60s was a lot more fun than being in your sixties.
  • Most of your conversations start out with, “Did I tell you this already?”; or, “What was I going to say?”
  • Instead of a sign that reads, “Do Not Disturb,” you need one that says, “Already disturbed, proceed with caution.”
  • You fall down in front of a lot of people, instead of their laughing like when you were young, they panic and start running to see if you’re all right.

In closing, here’s my advice for those who passed the Old Age Test:

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, take the spoon out of the cup. Greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic-tank issue. If you’re paying $3.00 for a bottle of Smart Water, it isn’t working.

Lastly, everything can kill you, so choose something fun. When you’re dead, you don’t know it. The pain is only felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re a dumb ass. Oops, pardon my French.

Thanks to my old buddy Nick for supplying fodder to include in this week’s tirade, and thank you for your continued support.

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About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at Lulu.com.
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