How about some old quips for filling tonight’s sacrifice to the gods of the blogosphere? Being the lazy sort, I figured this was an easy way to fulfill the weekly obligatory rant and rave.
Taken from Comedy Corner, my old “you post it” joke site from years ago, the following buffoonery is meant to tickle your funny bone, and not intended to offend anyone.
Eighteen Tenets That Govern Everyday Life:
The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self-Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
You always find something in the last place you look.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.
Law of Drunkenness
You can’t fall off the floor.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Weinberg’s Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
A woman applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed way too qualified for the position. “Look Miss,” the foreman said. “Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes. I’ve been divorced three times.” (Insert rim shot)
Lastly, two guys were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a state trooper. The officer walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver lowered it and the cop smacked him in the head with the billy club.
“Why’d you do that?”
“You’re in Texas, Son. When I pull you over, you’re to have your license, registration and proof of insurance ready.”
“I’m sorry, officer; but I’m not from around here.”
The trooper ran a check on the man’s license, and found he was clean. After giving the driver his credentials back, the lawman walked around to the passenger side and tapped on that window, smacking the other guy with the nightstick once the pane was lowered.
“What did you do that for?” the driver’s friend said.
“Just making your wishes come true.”
The passenger looked dumbfounded. “Huh?” he said.
The trooper replied, “I just know that two miles down the road you were probably going to say, ‘I wish that sucker would’ve tried that crap with me!'” (You may groan here.)
Pardon my indolence for this entry, but sometimes I feel so uninspired. Thanks for your continued support. Enjoy your official last week of summer in the Northern Hemisphere. Likewise, for those in the Southern Hemisphere, I’m sure you’re looking forward to spring.