How Hot is it in the Philly Area?

Heat-wave-Doane-Academy, Burlington-NJ-06-29-18-s

Doane Academy in Burlington, NJ

Summertime has officially arrived and we’re in the midst of a bloody heat wave already. Not that I want to base this tirade on global warming, but it seems like the dog days of summer have been arriving earlier for the past several years.

Beware when anyone uses a disclaimer with the word “but” included. They are going to surely do whatever they claimed they weren’t about to, like, “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but you’re as bright as a two-watt light bulb in a sandstorm.”

Last year it was on July 12 that I first complained about the heat. In 2016 the first heat-wave diatribe was on July 8. Ok, so that one was before 2017’s, but by only four days.  The year before that was on July 21st.  In 2013, the first heat-wave rave was on July 22nd. whereas in 2014, my first mention of sweltering weather occurred on July 2nd.

This year, June is just about to end at midnight and we’re already two days into it.

As kids, we experienced “Dog Days” in August, but that was many decades ago in the last millennium, so we might as well consider it in the Dark Ages.

Allow me to borrow from an old comedy bit about unbearable temperatures, and pass on the following nonsense:

How hot has it been in Philly?

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

You can say 113 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

You can make instant sun tea.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

It’s noon in July; kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air-conditioning.

Your biggest bicycle-wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

This present incarnation of Dante’s Inferno is supposed to last until next Saturday before any relief is forecasted. Brought the Cooper in for its yearly, major service earlier this week and had the air-conditioner recharged, the serpentine belt and valve-cover gasket replaced, the oil changed, fluids checked—replenished where necessary—new windshield-wiper blades put on, and had the tires rotated. Methinks it’s time for a road trip to a more temperate location.

Thanks for stopping in and for your continued support. Remember to stay hydrated. Hope you stay cool!

 

About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at Lulu.com.
This entry was posted in General and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to How Hot is it in the Philly Area?

  1. Jack says:

    You are the man Mike.

  2. Thanks, Jack, for throwing me a bone 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s