Recently in the news, parents of a thirty-year-old deadbeat son had to sue him for making the moocher move out of their home, in which he had lived for years without paying rent or doing anything to help with upkeep, buying food, doing menial chores, etc.
The young man wasn’t working and was implored by his parents to start making money. “There are jobs available even for those with a poor work history like you. Get one—you have to work,” they said.
After serving their offspring a series of eviction notices, each giving him different time frames to vacate the premises, the freeloader did not. He claimed his folks had no right to kick him out, which prompted the parents to institute legal proceedings.
A judge who presided over the lawsuit issued an ultimatum on behalf of the elders, insisting the son move out by June 1st. The idler began to vacate the premises on this past Thursday, May 31st.
In the meantime, this self-entitled, millennial slacker made a reported effort to find gainful employment, as noted by the following copy of a job application left behind in his vacant room at the parent’s home:
NAME: Michelangelo Rotundo (Not his real name)
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Warren Buffett style severance package. If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Leo with Cancer rising.
Rotundo was hired allegedly by an individual who was looking for an accountant, which was Michelangelo’s major in college.
The interviewer was a very nervous man who ran the small business he had started by himself. “I need someone with an accounting degree,” he said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” Rotundo said.
“I worry about a lot of things, but I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” Michelangelo said.
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars? How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That is your first worry,” the employer said.
Ah, a match made in heaven. That just goes to show you: all’s well that ends well.
Sorry for the old jokes, thanks for stopping in for another bit of nonsense, and merci beaucoup for your continued support.
As a postscript after my having watched and listened to the entire phenomenal clip from George Thorogood and the Delaware Destroyers, featuring the lightning guitar work of Elvin Bishop, I’d like to know how people who post these videos on Youtube sleep at night knowing they cut the endings of songs off so quickly, which annoys the hell out of me. OK, this tirade is now complete. Later!