The Seven O’Clock News

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A blogger’s main nemesis is writer’s block. When it occurs and is close to one’s weekly, self-imposed deadline, a clever wordsmith keeps in his or her bag of tricks, subjects to rely upon as a last resort.

In the case of this week’s tirade at WordPress, a posting from December 17th, 17 years ago today, is revisited.

This gem by an old, right-wing conservative friend was originally posted on a forum hosted by yours truly at a now-defunct Web site, from which a good portion of the nonsense found there was copied fortunately before my server’s hard drive fried and died.

Fargo North (decoder), his pseudonym, presented his version of the “7 O’clock News.” It’s a rather poignant reminder that things absolutely change, but really remain the same.

The following is not the expressed, editorial views of Mike Slickster’s Ramblings on the InterWebs.

Fargo 12/17/99 Y2K Compliant posted on 18:04:37

Some observations on this weeks events…,

A judge in Maryland ruled that Linda Tripp did not have immunity when she turned over secret tapes of Monica Lewinsky to Ken Starr’s office. Her attorney said that they will be appealing this decision. Of course it made history. That was the first time the words “Linda Tripp” and “appealing” appeared together.

I guess Monica Lewinsky is ready to testify against her former friend. They used to be good buddies. You can see why Monica Lewinsky liked Linda Tripp. For the first time in her life she got to be the skinny one.

Yesterday in Maryland, Monica Lewinsky testified in the pretrial hearing on whether Linda Tripp can be tried on wiretapping charges. At one point, Monica said she was seeing a therapist to overcome her addiction to sex, and a dietician to overcome her addiction to food. You know, she could’ve solved both these problems just by keeping her mouth shut.

Al Gore took his physical, and here’s good news: he died of natural causes.

The First Couple is moving. They bought a house. President Clinton and Hillary got approval to build an 8-foot protective wall at their brand new home in Chappaqua, N.Y. Apparently it’s across the middle of their bedroom.

Donald Trump said in his new book, that if he is elected president, he will stop America from being ripped off by the countries we do business with. That’s right, instead America will be ripped off by President Donald Trump.

Country Star Garth Brooks has announced he will retire. Still no word from Kenny G.

President Clinton says that Pete Rose deserves to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame. The President explained, “Not only did Rose get 4,000 hits, but thinking about them has helped me delay 4,000 orgasms.”

Julie Andrews is suing Mt. Sinai Hospital, claiming that a botched operation has robbed her of her singing voice. In a related story, an angry mob has rushed Michael Bolton to Mt. Sinai Hospital.

Researchers at John Hopkins School of Medicine are reporting that a normal human-female embryo will develop over the course of 15 years into a date for Michael Douglas.

There’s this “new” thing where you can go to college by using your computer. They have an ad that says, “Get your degree without the hassle of attending classes.” Well that’s nothing new. It’s normally called a football scholarship.

Congressmen are always saying there’s too much violence on network TV. In a new study by the Center for Media and Public Affairs, profanity is heard every 2 minutes on cable TV. And when the cable goes out it’s double that.

We gave back the Panama Canal, and Panama is mad because we didn’t send a high enough delegation to the returning ceremonies. Clinton didn’t go and either did Hillary. They were considering sending Janet Reno to the canal, but she was already visiting a dike.

NBC announced today that they have rehired Marv Albert. At the press conference, he told the NBC president, “I am so happy I could bite you.”

During the Republican Presidential Debate, the candidates were asked what philosopher most influenced them. George W. Bush said, “Jesus.”

John McCain said, “Theodore Roosevelt.” Meanwhile, Steve Forbes referred to that little man on Monopoly money.

According to the Wall Street Journal, a 46-year-old Vietnam veteran is going to have the first sex change operation you can see live on the Internet. Just log on to  www.slash.

Contrary to reports in the British press, Madonna is not pregnant. According to her spokesman, the only new thing in Madonna’s womb is a “take-a-number machine.”

The White House announced Monday that Bill Clinton has the flu. Judging by some of the woman he’s been with lately, I think it’s the swine flu.

President Clinton spoke about his new library in Arkansas Monday. He hopes it will be a beacon for helping to solve the world’s problems. There will be an adjoining restaurant and bar called “My Hard Rock Cafe and Cigar Lounge.”

The Mars Lander was sent up and NASA has heard nothing from it. This thing has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign-policy question.

It’s kind of scary. Bill Bradley has an irregular heartbeat. Now they are checking all the candidates. Al Gore has no pulse whatsoever.

Hillary got wind of the impending N.Y.C. transit strike and she thought, “I better take a subway ride, ’cause I have to know what’s going on.” So, for the first time, Mrs. Clinton hopped onto one. The U.S. Senate candidate for New York was STUNNED and had never seen that much shoving, touching, pushing and groping since the last time she and Bill attended a Donald Trump party.

They are now trying to boost voter turnout this year among young people. Several states are proposing to allow voting on the Internet. There was a trial run in the state of Arizona and it did not go well. Their governor re-elect’s selection link was a naked picture of Alyssa Milano.

Be Careless…,

        Fargo

My old buddy passed away early in the 21st century. I miss him, his twisted outlook on life and our political system.

Happy holidays and thanks for your continued support.

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About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at Lulu.com.
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