Love, Kristen: Pearls of Wisdom

photo of groundhog

Pennypack Jack is Back

First of all, Happy Groundhog’s Day belated.

I’m overjoyed that pesky varmint didn’t see his shadow.

According to a recent article on the Internet, a department store in Austria was offering $300 worth of free clothes to shoppers who would show up totally naked.

I hope they don’t try that at the K-Mart in Beckley. If I worked there, I’d be like, “Here’s the $300. Keep your clothes on.” (Insert rim shot.)

For this month’s entry, I’m admitting beforehand to having found the following bit somewhere on the Net; which, by the way, sounds like either an old routine of Steven Wright or George Carlin; so don’t accuse me of stealing jokes.

For something different, allow me to answer those profound questions asked about these mysteries of the universe:

Q: How come wrong telephone numbers are never busy? 

A: If the number reached was busy, how would you know it was the wrong number in the first place?

Q: Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “Up Over”?                                              

A: No, they call us “dumb-asses.”

Q: Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

A: No, it belongs to Torx from Orx.

Q: Why is it that what you are looking for is always found at the last place looked? 

A: Because even if you found it at the first place you looked, it would still be the last place, so on and so forth.

Q: Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?                                                                                                                        

A: Maybe it’s because something from Justin Bieber just started playing, or you’re so simpleminded that chewing gum while walking is difficult, never mind concentrating as AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” is blaring through the speakers.

Q: Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, while dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons?

A: Really doesn’t matter to  me. I use real lemons for my juice; likewise for oranges and grapefruit. As for dish-washing liquid, do you really think they use real lemons in there? Come on now, give me a break.

Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?                                                     

A: I would say yes, but spelled like “missile toe.” However a great affliction incurred by our lovable spacemen and women, it seems, is an incredible penchant for taking selfies and posting them on Social Media. I don’t blame them though. What else do they have to do with their time off?

Speaking of space, I have my own question to ask. Why is it every time a video clip, photo or selfie is taken on the International Space Station, the place always looks so messy? I mean, for heaven’s sake, straighten the joint up before posting on Twitter.

That’s like those incessant selfies taken through bathroom mirrors with smudges, toothpaste and food stains, and finger prints laden all over the place. Now the whole world knows the dimwit taking the iPhone shot is also a slob.

I don’t usually do tirades, but I see Mike Slickster hasn’t done one in a while and figured a diatribe was due. You don’t have to thank me. It was my pleasure. Hope your winter is going swell.

Love,

Kristen

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About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at Lulu.com.
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