Dear Kristen: Happy New Year

Super Kristen

Super Kristen

My dearest friend, Kristen,

You know I love you and have for all these years. Not much can come between us spiritually and sarcastically. You consider me to be the King of Slack, where I consider you as the Queen of Blondes.

Fargo North (decoder), of course you remember him, once posted the following pearls of wisdom, for which I’d like to relay them again to you in case you haven’t read these quips before. Surely you must have heard just about all of the “Blonde” jokes by now:

  • Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
  • What do you call an eternity? Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.
  • Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
  • Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they finally saw a sign that said, “Disneyland, Left”; so they turned around and went home.
  • What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
  • What did the blonde child say when she opened the box of Cheerios? “Oh look, Daddy…, doughnut seeds.”
  • Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
  • Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
  • How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax? lt has a stamp on it.
  • Why can’t blondes dial 911? They can’t find the 11 on the phone.
  • What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she’s got a grenade in her mouth!
  • How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor.
  • Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
  • A blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the latter spotted a dead bird on the ground beside them and commented about it. The blonde looked skyward and said, “Where, where?”
  • How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch-&-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
  • Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
  • How do you get a twinkle in a blonde’s eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
  • What happened to the blonde ice-hockey team? They drowned in spring training.
  • What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? “Look, they spelled MACY’S wrong!”
  • How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her joke on Wednesday.
  • What is the difference between a peanut and a blonde’s brain? There is no difference!

I bet I’ll be paying for this in the future.

By the way, Kristen, I read online somewhere that a nine-year-old girl in Beckley was called in for jury duty; but she was excused for having had a felony conviction.  They didn’t mention the youngster’s name, but I’m willing to bet a box of chocolates it was one the Hatfield kids.

Happy new year to my old friend, and to all who harken these hallowed halls. Thanks for your support.

 

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About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at Lulu.com.
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