Bad Santa


Bad Santa

Letters to Santa with his replies when the rotund, white-bearded one suffered occupational burnout and stopped taking his Prozac:

Dear Santa,

I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.


Dear Bobby,

What, and ruin that hot love affair your dad’s still having with your
music teacher? Son, he’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane! Let
me get you a G.I. Joe toy instead.


**** **** ****

Dear Santa,

I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck and I never get one! Please, I really really really want a fire truck this year!


Dear Tony,

I’m sorry Tony, let me make it up to you. While you sleep tonight, I’m gonna firebomb your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.


**** **** ****

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy akshun figger for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer Santa!

Yer FRenD,

Dear Patrick,

Nice spelling nimrod. You’re on your way to being a career lawn-care
specialist. How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn how to
read and write? By the way, I’m giving your older brother the action figure. At least he can spell!


**** **** ****

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you on the kitchen table, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the backdoor.


Dear Cindy,

Milk gives me diarrhea and carrots cause the deer to fart in my face. You
want to be a little brown-noser? Leave me a Long Island iced tea and some pork rinds.


**** **** ****

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we’re sleeping and know when we’re awake, like in the song?


Dear Shannon,

You are that gullible?  Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your


**** **** ****

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy for everybody!


Dear Susie,

You’re parents were coke addicts before they had you, weren’t they?


**** **** ****

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Do you spend it with your
elves making toys?

Your friend,

Dear Tommy,

All toys get made in China by kids younger than you. I have a condo in
Vegas where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses’ butts, and losing all my cash at the craps table.

Thanks for asking,

**** **** ****

Dearest Santa,

We don’t have a chimney in our house, how will you get into our home?



First of all, stop calling yourself “Marky.” That’s why you’re getting your arse kicked at school everyday. Second, you don’t live in a house. That’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do: through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams!

**** **** ****

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please PLEASE PLEASE could I have


Dear Timmy,

That whiny, begging crap may work with your folks; but that nonsense don’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater again.


Happy Holidays and Ho-Ho-Ho! Thanks for your continued support.


Merry Christmas


About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at
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2 Responses to Bad Santa

  1. shirleyann21 says:

    And there was me still thinking Santa might not be real ! Won’t be leaving the miserable Bugger a mince pie and a glass of Sherry but will certainly leave Rudolph some carrots and Sprouts – Aim it high Rudoplh ! –

  2. Hahaha… I love the visual 🙂 Happy Christmas, Shirley Ann.

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