Hallmark Rejects

I'm the result of a misspent youth.

I’m the result of a misspent youth.

Caution: vulgar language and bitter commentary. For the inscrutable, morally correct reader, beware of the following, explosive rant.

This came from the inimitable Fargo North (decoder), back in the ancient days of dial-up, tying up one’s phone and future life forever:

    What, me bitter? I’ve got a lifetime of crap to be bitter about, but who wants to read that in this enlightened age of instantaneous gratification and self-promotion?

    To put things in perspective about my present-day feelings in general, I combined everything together, like a metaphorical cocktail in a blender, spinning at full speed, creating a cryptic libation filled with resentment, topped with a cherry, poured in a tumbler with ice; a rather sour drink entitled, Hallmark Rejects:

      “Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I
      can’t help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?”

      “Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes
      your wife.”

      “How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly

      “I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to
      love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

      “I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never
      believed in hell till I met you.”

      “As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re
      not here to ruin it for me.”

      “If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your

      “As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve
      given me, like the need for therapy.”

      “Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil
      was before this!”

      “Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would
      you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably
      need it again.”

      “Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

      “When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
      Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your

      “We have been friends for a very long time, let’s say we
      call it quits.”

      “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re

      “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever
      find out who the father was?”

      “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
      ship and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you
      heaps and think of you often.”

    Ah, I feel better now. Thanks and have a great day.


About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at Lulu.com.
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