Today, I thought I’d share with you my great-grandmother’s recipe for making the age-old, dreaded fruit cake. I’ve got a bowl, an electric mixer and a portable oven to save time. The following ingredients make the best fruit cake one ever tasted:
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 plastic dispenser at least half full of lemon juice
1 bowl of nuts
1 half-gallon of whiskey
Being that it’s the holidays, I am jumping off the wagon temporarily to sample the whiskey, checking for quality. [Sip] Ah, my good, old friend, Jack Daniels.
To begin with, we take a large bowl, check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour out one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Next, turn on the electric lixer thingamajiggy and beat one cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Let’s make sure the whiskey is still OK. [Slurp] Ah, good, ole rotgut (hiccup).
OTay…, cry another tup.
Turn off mixer, break two legs, add to the bow, and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Now, mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the eaterers, pry it loose with the drewscriver.
Again, lesh sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. [Glug-glug] Ah, (hiccup), La Creme de MaTante.
Right On! Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. What the hell, who cares? Check the whishkey! [Chugaluga] Ah, (barf) hheresh to Jack Black, my buddy: Johnny Walker Red, and not to mention, Jimmy Bean.
All righty then, we shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, a spoon, sugar or anything. Whatever you can find. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Thow the bow out of the window. Lesh check the whiskey again.
[Guzzle] Ahhhhhhh…, (burp) who the fook likes fruitcake anyway? Time to schplit. Later! Happy Chrishma, Heinekin, Kazoo, and a Merry Fookin’ New Year.