My neighbor Wally came up to me last night as I was getting out of my truck:
Wally: “Hey, Fargo, I thought I’d stop by and invite you over for dinner Sunday night.”
Fargo: “No thanks, Wally. I already have plans.”
Wally: “Well then, how about Monday night?”
Fargo: “I don’t think so.”
Wally: “Cripes, Fargo, when can you come over for dinner?”
Fargo: “Never! You seem to forget…, I was hospitalized last year because of your wife’s creamed pork fondue.”
Wally: “Settle down, the county health department buried that stuff in sealed canisters long ago. I was just planning on grilling some steaks.”
I was able to weasel out of that invite when my phone started ringing in the garage, and I excused myself, rolling down the overhead door behind me.
My other neighbor Hank told me recently his wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics, absolutely guaranteed to make her look years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the “miracle” products. Finally, when done, she turned to him and said, “Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?”
He cocked his head in assessment and said carefully, “Well, Dear, judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, hmmmm, eighteen; your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you’re so sweet!”
“Well, hang on, I’m not done adding it up yet.”
Hank should be getting out of traction soon.
Inscriptions One Won’t Find from Hallmark:
- “Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”
“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”
“We have been friends for a very long time. Let’s say we call it quits.”
“I’m so miserable without you that it’s almost like you’re here.”
“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”
“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
In other nonsense: From a passenger ship, one can see a bearded man who is shouting desperately and waving his hands frantically on a particular, small desert island in the Caribbean.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”
And now for something a bit more irreverent:
- Moses, Jesus, and a really old-timer were out playing golf one day. Moses drove a long one, landing on the fairway but rolling toward a water trap. He raised his club quickly. The water parted, and the golf ball skirted safely to the other side within a club’s length of the green.
Next, Jesus hit a nice one directly toward the same water trap. The ball landed in the center and kind of hovered over the water, to where he casually walked out and chipped it up onto the green.
The old man teed up and whacked the golf ball wildly out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on the street, where it bounced off a truck and hit a tree close-by. From there it ricocheted like a bullet onto the tin roof of a nearby shack, rolled down the gutter into the downspout, rumbled out of the bottom onto the fairway, right toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the water trap, the ball clipped a stone, shot up over the water and landed onto a lily pad, where it came to a halt. A very large bullfrog jumped up all of a sudden out of the pond, snatching the ball into his gaping mouth. At that very moment, a majestic golden eagle swooped down at breakneck speed, grabbed the frog and flew away.
As they passed over the green, the frog bellowed with fright: a thunderous “ribbit” was heard; and the ball dropped right into the cup below for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your dad!”
While I’m probably in trouble already for blasphemy, I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition…
In closing, I leave you with The Beer Prayer:
Our lager, which art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk), at home as in this tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head and forgive us our spillages, as we forgive those who spillage against us.
And lead us not to incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager, forever and ever,
Fargo 05/08/99 left Comedy Corner at 20:10:25