Caution, the groan-factor is on high!
Jason Everhardt 1/1/2000 has joined Comedy Corner at 16:42:45
Pardon the Puns:
Hangover: the wrath of grapes.
Income Tax: capital punishment.
A used car is not always what it’s jacked up to be.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: my cooking’s gotten better since I fondue.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn’t have anything to go on.
Middle Age: when actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: one who is me-deep in conversation.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s novocaine during root-canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
Why won’t melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
Archeologist: a man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: one who can’t help himself from helping himself.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of “carpool tunnel syndrome.”
California smog test: Can UCLA?
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
And you think you are having a bad day…
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record. His sponsor had gone bust. His girlfriend had left him. To add insult to injury, his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal-rights advocates were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the porkers, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Death, Be It A Quiet Stranger!
Sometime after Robert died, his widow, Edith, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
“Robert thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Robert called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Edith,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.'”
“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.
“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note that read, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’; so I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Robert is resting very comfortably.” The woman in mourning continued with her oration. “The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral.’ I arranged Robert a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”
“And the third envelope?” The funeral-goers inquired.
“The third contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone.’
“How very understanding of your husband to help you through these trying times,” a good friend commented.
“Indeed he was,” Edith said, holding her hand in the air to show off her ten-carat-diamond ring. “So, everybody, how do you like it?”
Other ways to say a person is a bit slow:
A few clowns shy of a circus;
Got a few splinters in the Windmills of his Mind;
A few fries short of a happy meal;
The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead;
The butter slid off his pancakes;
Couldn’t spell IOU if you spotted him the vowels;
No thread in their sewing machine;
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl;
Their antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels;
Their belt is missing a few loops;
His receiver is off the hook;
Got a leaky skylight;
The gates are down; the lights are flashing; but the train ain’t coming.
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year-old child again.
I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes; but that didn’t bother you because you didn’t know what you didn’t know, and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy while blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair, that everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So, here’s my checkbook, my car keys, my credit-card bills; and my 401k and Social Security statements. I am officially resigning from Adulthood; and, if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first: ’cause tag, you’re it!
Jason Everhardt 1/1/2000 left Comedy Corner at 17:03:56