Today’s Tirade: Doing the Blasted Food-Shopping

Shop Rite

There was no stopping me now


That dastardly dreadful, mostly procrastinated, exceedingly ugly chore is finally over, having had to take a dull, cloudy afternoon to force this lazy-boned individual to knock off the pushed-off nuisance. My bland, green-coffee-bean diet has me eating raw vegetables, fruit, nuts, Mediterranean salads with anchovies; toast or oatmeal for breakfast, cooking with extra-virgin olive oil; eliminating all sweets and sugar, milk and dairy products; downing bologna sandwiches on whole-wheat bread and mayonnaise with a slice of onion or tomato for lunch. Sunday is my day to splurge, eating my beloved, requisite bacon and eggs with toast and jam to start the day; a sandwich of sorts for lunchtime, and a steak, vegetables with a salad for dinner.

Fruit is my main dessert and in-between snack, be it whatever. Bananas are a great source for calcium, as well as orange juice and sardines, to make up for all the calcium lost by not consuming milk, cheeses and other dairy products, which I really miss tremendously. So today at the market, I decided to make a few amendments to spice things up a bit.

More fruit including strawberries—plain with Splenda while omitting heavy cream is a drag, but will have to do—green and red grapes, apricots, plums, peaches and pears found their way into my shopping cart with slices of London broil and domestic ham from the deli for lunch, along with all types of goodies for salads. Waffles, low in calories and also another good source of calcium, landed in the buggy next to steak, whole-wheat rolls and enriched bread. Not to bore you with further details of my extensive shopping list, let us proceed with today’s rant: what angered me the most while at the supermarket?

Fortunately, for maintaining my usually subdued blood pressure, the store wasn’t very crowded. People weren’t moving behind their shopping carts at a snail’s pace, stopping short in front of me and blocking the entire aisle by placing their trolleys perpendicular to the shelves, with their standing in front of it. Nor were there any rude, obnoxious buffoons who shouted into their cell phones about what was not interesting and important to me, or probably anyone else within earshot, which was a good distance away.

What bothered me the most today was the way manufacturers are still attempting to pull the wool over consumer’s eyes by removing a bit from their products to lessen its load, saving the conglomerate a considerable amount of money, but meanwhile charging us the same price or more. Food costs increase noticeably every time I do the unsavory food-shopping, having to pay more each time for less, discouraging me from returning the next time.

Deciding to liven up the unappetizing je ne sais quoi of my presently wretched diet, I opted to break with the no-dairy-products rule and purchased non-fat yogurt, rich in calcium, and fruity to appease my aching sweet tooth. What happened to its container? The curd used to be found in a cup: 8 oz. to be exact. Now the snack sets in a measly 5.3-ounce receptacle, and is infinitely pricier than the last time I remember buying it.

Needing 30-gal/132-liter garbage bags, I picked up my standard product to find instead of the usual 36 pieces, a quantity of 25 in the same-sized box for the same amount as paid for the former. Now that really got my goat!

My dislike for doing the dishes persuades me to buy paper plates and toss them away when finished with a meal. Normally I buy 100 at a clip, yet my usual brand of microwave-safe plates now comes in a packet of 94 at the same charge, naturally.

Vitamins and supplements in a bottle of 300 presently come in the same-sized container, but with only 250 tablets inside for roughly the same price, if not higher. Paper towels are boasting its new rolls with 33% more sheets for an inflated price. What they did was cut down their prior-sized sheets by a third in length to compensate, yet hiking up the price to boot.

Toothpaste appears to be in smaller tubes, although I can’t verify that—just an observation. Liquid laundry detergent has skyrocketed in price, yet their containers seem to be considerably smaller; but that’s another observation without valid comparison. What is next: 10 eggs in a carton for the cost of 12; soda and juice to be found in 950ml bottles instead of a liter; or, perhaps, a baker’s dozen turning into 11 donuts?

Enough with this tomfoolery, methinks I’ll go eat a peach and listen to the Allman Brothers Band, maybe even dance like there’s no one looking and burn off some extra calories. Incidentally, I’ve lost 11lb/5kg so far and holding steady after three weeks of this torture, inciting me to continue my quest to shed 20lb/9.7kg/1st 6lb. Wish me continued luck, and thanks for your continued support.

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About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at Lulu.com.
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