Tonight’s entry comes from Comedy Corner’s sweetheart and bubble-brained blonde, Kristen van Ouven, copied verbatim as was found in the original posting on April 16th, 1999:
- Kristen entered Comedy Corner 22:38:36
I just got home from visiting my Aunt Minnie. She’s a dear old lady who is slowly losing it. When I arrived at her apartment, she was having tea with two of her friends from the senior citizen’s center. I sat down and listened to the ongoing conversation. One of the gals exclaimed, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.”
The other lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
“Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems, knock on wood,” Aunt Minnie responded, as she rapped her knuckles on the table. She stopped talking, looked around and said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it.” She came back into the room and said there was nobody there. “Kristen, my dear,” she whispered in my ear. “Be a good girl and go to the market for me to pick up some eggs, milk and a tube of Pillsbury Dough Boy Chocolate Chip Cookie mix. I’d like to bake some treats for tonight’s Bridge game at the center.”
I departed and drove to the nearest Kroger’s Market. After I got the groceries, I dropped by Clem’s Bakery to pick up some apple turnovers for me to have after dinner. I left the car running and cranked up the heater while I went inside. It was quite chilly and windy today in Beckley, WV.
When I returned, just as I started to put the car in gear, a loud explosion scared the devil out of me. It sounded like a gun shot! I felt this sharp pain as something struck the back of my head. As I put my hand back there I felt this mushy substance oozing from in between my hair. “My God!!!” I thought. “I’ve been shot and my brains are coming out from the back of my cranium.”
When I came to, I was still clutching on the back of my skull, holding my brains in. I didn’t dare move. A man was rapping on the window, yelling to me, asking if I was alright. “No,” I said. “I’ve been shot and I am keeping my brains from coming out of my head. Please…help me!”
He ran to get the police, who used a Slim Jim on the passenger’s door to get in. “Take your hands away from your head!” the policeman ordered.
“No way!” I cried. “I’ll die!!!” By now the ambulance arrived and the medical technician tried to remove my hands from holding in my brains. When he finally pried my hands away they all started laughing. “What, may I ask, is so funny???” I shouted out. “Here I am about to die and all you can do is laugh?”
The emergency technician reached into my bag of groceries, pulled out a shattered tube of Pillsbury Dough Boy Chocolate Cookie Mix, and began stuffing what I thought were my brains back into the container. “Next time,” he said with a chuckle, “don’t leave your groceries so close to the heater vent!”
How embarrassing! As they walked away in hysterics, I could hear the “dumb blonde” comments through their laughter.
I drove back to Aunt Minnie’s and told them of my escapade. Fortunately, I had the apple turnovers so my aunt would have something to bring with her to the card game. And I thought my Aunt Minnie was losing it!
I’ve got to take a shower now. I hope it won’t be too hard getting this dried-up dough out from my hair. Then I think I’ll bake some cookies.
Kristen left Comedy Corner at 22:46:00