Caution, this entry contains mature and sensitive material. Reader’s discretion is advised.
Today’s guest blogger is an old friend from the turn of last century. As mentioned in a previous entry, the now-defunct Comedy Corner—whose luminous incarnation lasted several years at an also, now-defunct Website of mine—hosted a few very funny characters, each of whom will grace the pages of this illustrious journal from time to time.
Kristen van Ouven was a good-hearted gal from West (By God) Virginia, who at times seemed to be quite the dizzy blond. The following is an unedited version of her original posting:
I just got back from New York. My life seemed like an endless stream of trials and tribulations that I felt that I should get away to the big city for a while. After I landed at Kennedy Airport, I took a cab to my old roommate’s apartment, seeking a little counsel. Beverly was always good at cheering me up, but when I arrived at her door, she answered the bell in her robe and told me to return some other time, as her boyfriend was over, and they were engaged in heavy lovemaking.
I was devastated. Having gone all that way to be cast aside by the one person whom I had hoped would help me through my crisis. Ending up in lower Manhattan by the bay across from the Statue of Liberty, I was so desperate I decided to end my life by throwing myself into the Hudson River. Hopping into a cab, I went uptown a short distance to the docks. A handsome young sailor noticed my tears, took pity on me, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around my shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
I nodded ‘yes.’ After all, what did I have to lose? Later that night, the sailor brought me aboard and hid me in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought me three sandwiches, water, juice and wine to drink, and a piece of fruit. We made passionate love until dawn. One week later, during a routine search, I was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” I explained. “He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
“He sure is, lady. This is the Staten Island Ferry!”
I went ashore when the boat docked at the station, feeling quite shocked and embarrassed. Imagine that! I did do a lot of thinking and soul-searching throughout the ordeal. It gave me another outlook on life. The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young; you get a gold watch; you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol; you party; you get ready for high school. You go to grade school; you become a kid; you play; you have no responsibilities; you become a little baby; you go back into the womb; you spend your last nine months floating…, and you finish off as an orgasm. Now that’s the way life should be!
I’m going to join a support group. There’s got to be a better way.