Today’s Tirade: Last One for 2013

If I had one piece of advice to share amongst everyone, I would say, “Use dental floss, for it will save your teeth.”  Plus, resolving to use this oral-hygiene accoutrement regularly in 2014 makes a handy-dandy, quick-and-inexpensive resolution with which to greet the new year and save your gums too.


 
Looking back over this past year’s annoyances, petty pet peeves and denouncing diatribes inside the hallowed halls within this illustrious journal, I’ve noticed my missing a few bedevilments in prior rants and raves found there.  My final list for this year should make a complete glossary of nit-picking and blowing off steam.  Please consider the following:

1.  Horns

    A.  Impatient blowhards who blast their car horns one nanosecond after a traffic light has turned green, or if you try to merge in front of these insistent bombasters on a four-lane highway.  That’s a given in any large city.  People seem to be in a bigger rush for some reason.  Maybe it’s because so many individuals are concentrated within such confining limits; and, perhaps, belligerence is statistically relative and mutually inclusive between the human species, yet more noticeable in larger urban populations.

    B.  Why do numb nuts relentlessly lay on their car horns to alert a forthcoming passenger in front of the latter’s house, or in an apartment-complex parking lot, announcing the former have arrived, beeping constantly every sixty seconds until their rider arrives outside?  I love getting awoken by such unnecessary hurry-scurry at the crack of dawn.  I’d like to crack their unyielding car horns with a sledgehammer.

    C.  Car alarms in the parking lot directly outside my flat, so sensitively set that the wind causes them to blare for fifteen minutes before the unknowing, hapless owner comes out and resets it, only for the alarm to go off minutes later for another quarter of an hour, yielding an additional case for wielding a lofty sledgehammer.  At least then the car would have a reason to raise hell.

Superman subdoing a car alarm

What I’d love to do in the middle of the night.

2.  Spam e-mails from the makers of my new computer, inviting me to their once-a-year sales event.  Right, thanks for the invite, allowing me to spend more of my hard-earned cash to make fat cats fatter and richer.

3.  I can’t scribe a tirade without mentioning a cell phone, like that of my loudmouth neighbor downstairs who insists on talking into his cellular device outside on his patio during all hours of the day, so loud I can hear him upstairs carrying on with my windows completely buttoned-up.  Why does he do that?  Is it to keep those within his household from listening to his conversation?  Well, hell, if I hear him in my flat—many feet away—surely everyone in his apartment can hearken his chatter as well.  If it’s because his phone reception is bad in his place, get a new carrier, for crying out loud.  Mine picks up wonderfully upstairs.  Besides, who likes to carry on a cell-phone conversation in sub-freezing weather?

4.  Vine video-clips are short blurbs of usually incomprehensible garble, terrible acting and continually bad instant replays.

5.  Not realizing the “Number Lock” key was stroked, resulting in my hitting the digit keys while typing at least four times each before finally unlocking them again.

6. Accidentally resetting the “Insert” mode for characters on the keyboard to “Replacement.”

7.  The word is “sandwich,” dammit; not sammich.”

8.  Deleting a misplaced comma or period unsuccessfully several times before finding the renegade character is actually a speck on the screen.

9.  Social Media Quirks:

    Self-anointed gurus and Internet experts who follow or befriend first and are so full of themselves after thanking someone in a DM, it’s as if they are frankly saying:

      Thanks for following, like my page; wham bam, thank you, Mister Slickster.  I won’t respond to you again, but you can comment, favor and re-tweet any of my self-indulgent, pompous clatter or someone else’s pictures I post (but not yours), which will be plastered on your timeline night and day.  Oh, by the way, always think positive and have a nice day.

     

10. Not a gripe but a wish: Go Philadelphia Eagles, all the way to the Superbowl championship. (Editors note: Better luck in 2015!)

That should do it for another year.  May 2014 be the best one possible with infinitely less aggravations to one’s psyche and well being; although if that happened, what would I write about?  Happy New Year to you, and may your lucky stars shine brightly.

One more piece of advice: drink green tea often, adding a cinnamon stick in your brew for flavor.  You’ll be ingesting a great anti-oxidizer that prevents all kinds of diseases and is a fat-burner, while the cinnamon will help with maintaining lower blood pressure and kill the bland taste as well.

The following gave some profound recommendations to youngsters at the turn of the last century, who were launching their young lives, hopefully lucrative careers and newly found freedom.  It’s still perfectly pertinent today:
 

Another of my resolutions for 2014 is to try and be less cynical, egotistical and crass, while attempting to be more patient, loving and tolerant.  That will be a toughie to keep!

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About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at Lulu.com.
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4 Responses to Today’s Tirade: Last One for 2013

  1. Jason Everhardt says:

    Having a bad day, dude? You need to calm down and not let things bother you as much. You’ll live longer.

  2. Shirley Ann says:

    it’s always good to have a good moan and I agree it helps to avoid bottling it up which can lead to ulcers. I find that using a string of four letter words in the privacy of my car about inconsiderate drivers has probably prevented me from losing both my dignity, reputation and my liberty. Not to mention my teeth!

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