Love, Kristen

In a few journal entries ago, a posting from my now-defunct Website—saved from a feature called “Comedy Corner”—had found its way onto these pages. The former humorous venue was open to anyone who wanted to contribute to the typical nonsense that prevailed. Many characters joined in the banter and became regulars there, as was mentioned about the author of the previous rant written by Fargo North Decoder.

The following was provided by Kristen van Ouven: a substitute school teacher from Beckley, West Virginia; and somewhat of a dizzy, but well-meaning gal who became the darling of the comedic forum. The skit is reproduced as was posted originally.

Life Savers

Life Savers


    Kristen has joined Comedy Corner at 20:59:23; 29th February 2000


    Happy Leap Day! February’s done and there’s one last dreary month left of
    winter here in the Nothern Hemisphere. It’s supposed to be cold in Beckley
    tomorrow, so being that March is coming in like a lion, maybe it will go
    out like a lamb and bring us an early spring.

    Yesterday I had to fill in for Mrs. Dastardly, the first grade teacher who
    was home sick with the flu. It was a refreshing change, so I thought, to
    review some of the teaching methods I had learned about dealing with fresh,
    innocent minds. I decided to do a study of children’s senses using a bowl
    of Lifesavers. I gave the kids all different colors of Lifesavers first,
    and asked them, “What is the flavor of each color I just gave you?”

    The children began to recite, “Red is for ‘cherry’; yellow for ‘lemon,’
    green for ‘lime,’ and orange for ‘orange.'”

    “Well done!” I said and then gave them all honey Lifesavers, telling the
    darlings to suck on them for a while and then tell me what flavor it was.
    Not one child could answer. “Well,” I said, “I’ll give you a clue. It’s
    what your mother would call your father.”

    Johnny Hatfield’s little sister, who happened to be in the first-grade
    class, looked up in horror. The candy was instantly jet-propelled from her
    mouth, after which she yelled: “Everybody, spit it out, quick! They’re
    dumb asses.” Lifesavers began hurling everywhere! It’s amazing how far
    first graders are able to launch half-eaten, little, round, sticky,
    honey-flavored projectiles. One even stuck on the front of the school
    librarian’s dress in a most strategic spot, centralized on her left breast.
    She had run in to see what all the commotion was about and didn’t
    notice it there. I wasn’t about to tell her.

    It took all of lunch period to clean up the classroom, as we were expecting
    a visit from US Army General Reinwald, whose grandson’s boy scout troop has
    their meetings in the school gym. This summer, Beckley Scout Troop Number 9
    will be going to Ft. Campbell on a four-day camping trip sponsored by the
    General. He was in town to visit with his family, tour the Beckley Elementary
    School, and to answer any questions about the camporee.

    At sixth period, we were all ushered into the auditorium, where most every
    one of the student’s parents came to be seated along with the city and county
    officials, and the area media covering the event. Not much happens in this
    little city of 18,000 people. During the question and answer period, I
    raised my hand to get the General’s attention and was called upon. “So,
    General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys while
    they visit one of your army installations?” I inquired.

    “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.” he
    replied.

    “Shooting? That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?” I stated.

    “I don’t see why. They’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.”
    countered the General.

    “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
    children?” I asked coyly.

    “I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle-range discipline
    before they ever touch a firearm.” he responded.

    “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.” I shot back.

    “Well, you’re equipped to be a jezebel, but you’re not one, are you?” he
    said with a half-cocked smile. I was speechless. Touché! Score: General
    Reinwald 1, Kristen van Ouven 0. I rapidly took my seat, terribly
    embarrassed.

    As we were leaving the auditorium, the school librarian ran up to me and
    chimmed: “I guess he told you!”

    At that point, the General came up to me and said, “No hard feelings, I
    hope?”

    “No, Sir.” I replied; “but with all the craziness going on around the country,
    with young children bringing firearms to school and brutally killing innocent
    victims, I am quite concerned about youngsters being taught how to use guns.”

    “I understand, Miss,” he said and shook my hand. He then stopped and stared
    at the school librarian for a moment and commented: “And what flavor is that
    Lifesaver?” while pointing to the one stuck to her left breast.”

    Not being able to contain myself, I said, “Sour Puss.”

    “I didn’t think it was cherry!” joked the General as he walked away laughing.

    “I guess he told you,” I yelled over to my adversary as she ran off visibly
    shaken. The General turned around and gave me a wink. He wasn’t such a bad
    guy after all.

    See Y’all!

    Love,
    Kristen

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About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at Lulu.com.
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