Today’s Tirade: Clearing Out the E-mail Bin

I usually save the more ridiculous spam received for times like this, when I feel a rage coming on. Lets head over to the awaiting assortment and see what’s shaking, shall we?

Junkmail

The first one on the list immediately caught my attention. After all, it must be sensational and “The Real McCoy” for being shown on TV—truth in advertising and all that; yet, even more so since coming from the Internet—but it must have run in the early morning, when I was either asleep or away from the proverbial “Boob Tube.” I never saw the infomercial for using the “Keranique System” to grow one’s hair back. As a conscientious consumer, I Googled the product to find “scam” written everywhere; however, I knew that. Not since the following was any product for the “follically-challenged” worth its weight in hair growth:

chia-head
Click pic above for the hilarious Saturday Night Live skit from whence the infomercial came.

The second e-mail solicits “Fast Cash”: so fast you won’t see it leaving your bank account after giving the scammer your checking or saving’s credentials and routing number to deposit $1,500 immediately, with no repayment due until March 2013.

Money-out-window

The Zombie Apocalypse is less than a week away—or is that Armageddon; the Rapture maybe? Regardless, the Mayan calendar is coming to a dead end on 21st December; so it’s prudent to be prepared for any type of catastrophic anomaly. Naturally I opened the next message shown on my junk-mail list and clicked the survivalist’s link found in the body of his e-mail. I must disclaim doing this at home without the latest definitions from your “virus and malware” protection software, which will block any malicious programs from being uploaded to your ‘puter. Back to the link, this is what I found:

The links in my journal are guaranteed to be free from harm (A bit corny perhaps).

The fourth inclusion within this tirade deals with something no one likes to think about, yet it is a topic worth noting. Fortunately for me, as his closest- and last-remaining heir besides my son, I was left without the grievous, initial hardship of arranging the burying of my father. He had prearranged his cremation twenty years before his demise, helping me out during the trying time of his death, both emotionally and financially. Burial insurance could be a comfort, knowing one won’t be a burden when the time comes; but buying from this type of unsolicited e-mail most likely has rip-off as the end result.

The other night on Twitter, I was discussing with an acquaintance about being buried alive. He mentioned prearranging to be interred with a WiFi setup installed in the coffin along with his Ipad, which would definitely be handy if awakening inside one’s entombment after being pronounced dead.

Monty Python was historically credible with their spot-on depictions of medieval times, regarding costumes and settings for their absurdities. The ensuing clip dealt with the problem of removing the dead during the period of the Black Plague.

Warning, not for the easily offended or overly sensitive

The last one I’ll mention from my ongoing roster of ostentatious attempts to steal my money or identity is about the Obesity Fighting Patch. “We merged our fat-fighting technology with an easy-to-use patch,” the lead-in reads. “You can wear it anytime, anywhere, and watch the fat melt off,” the next hook says. “Weight loss couldn’t be easier.”
I’ve got a better and cheaper way, utilizing a common item usually found in every do-it-yourselfer’s tool belt, which to me is the only way I’d be able to lose weight short of sewing me mouth shut:
Mike-patch
Thank goodness for duct tape!
So it goes for another happy harangue from this harrowed grumbler. Until the next time: “Happy holidays!”

Advertisements

About Mike Slickster

As an early retiree with an honorary doctorate degree from the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks," this upcoming author with a lot of free time on his hands utilizes his expansive repertoire for humorous yet tragic, wildly creative writing that contains years of imaginative fantasy, pure nonsense, classic slapstick, extreme happiness and searing heartbreak; gathered by a wealth of personal experiences throughout his thrilling—sometimes mundane or unusually horrid—free-spirited, rock-'n'-roller-coaster ride around our beloved Planet Earth. Mike Slickster's illustrious quest continues, living now in Act Three of his present incarnation, quite a bit on the cutting edge of profundity and philosophical merriment as seen through his colorful characters, most notably evident in the amusing Thirty Days Across the Big Pond series, all of which can be found at Lulu.com.
This entry was posted in Past Posts from Live Journal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Today’s Tirade: Clearing Out the E-mail Bin

  1. mawolfrey says:

    Ohhhhhhhhhhh, that’s going to hurt when you pull it off. And don’t ask me how I know this…lol

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s